I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
