we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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