Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
