I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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