Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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