you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
