and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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