so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
A bitchslap is in order.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
