just survived the first fart of the relationship.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
