I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
