I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
