she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Randomize
