goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
