He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
