it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
