Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
