I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
