If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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