Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
