Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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