My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
