My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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