Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Did I show you my penis last night?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
