soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
