I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
