I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Randomize
