I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
