Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
