Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
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