u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
