We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I want her autograph on my taint
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
