I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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