fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
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