You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
