I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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