hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
