did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
