; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
hell yes lets make some ravioli
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
