when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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