On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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