I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
