Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
