i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
