i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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