new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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