Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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