"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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