omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
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