her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
