Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
