it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
