So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
